So, I got up early to register for school....and their system's down.  I would go back to bed, but then that would make me late for work, as I had my morning specifically planned around registering.  Hmmm...hopefully it'll be up later this afternoon.  Guess I'll try at lunch.  I really hope I get a good school schedule and really hope that work will be flexible with me on it.  I guess I should go and get ready now. 

(Post from July 27th)

So much to say. 

First of all, this is a blog just for my own personal enjoyment, as I find it difficult to write everything down in a journal.  Hurts my hand, and I get bored with writing.  I can type much faster. 

So, let's start at the beginning of how all this came to be.

This all started about two weeks ago with a terrible hangover that caused extreme confusion for two days, then that kind of snowballed into panic attacks, which ended up with an asthma attack and my almost passing out while driving.  Scariest moment of my life (well, that I can think of that has happened recently...I'm sure there are more, I just can't think of them right now..ha)  I thought I was dying and refused to let myself pass out...I refused to let myself go and to lose control.  Good thing I didn't because if I had, I surely would have lost control of the car and probably spun out of control.  I spoke with God the whole time, asking Him to keep me awake, asking Him to keep my coherent so I could make it to the hospital and get some help.  Well, He followed through on His promise and got me there and as I lay in the hospital bed, not moving and exhausted from my little episode, I decided that I couldn't drink anymore, and I thanked God for getting me there...I felt as if I had a second chance.  I think I must be allergic to alcohol now.  I think an allergy has developed...is that possible?  I have heard other people talk about that...how they used to could be able to drink, and now they can't becaue it affects them differently...their thoughts get twisted, they can't think straight for days, emotions spin out of control while hungover (and while drinking for that matter), and they just feel like crap.  That's how I've started feeling after every "long night"...even if I haven't drank enough to be drunk, I still feel like poo the next day and it takes me three days to recover.  That's why I don't want to drink anymore.  I have gone through that so many freaking times, I just don't want that life anymore.  It's going to be hard though....when everyone around you is drinking and questioning why YOU aren't joining them.  I guess that's why I retained smoking as a habit....I need something to lean on while I quit drinking.

I asked Jesus several weeks ago to bring me closer to Him.  As soon as I asked that, I immediately followed the statement with, "But don't scare the crap outta me while doing it"  hehehe...I'm sure He laughed when I said that.  I got the crap scared outta me.  But, what I took out of the whole situation was a closer relationship.  I learned to listen, and I learned that He was truly THERE.  I had questioned the whole existence of everything in preceeding months, but do not now.  My experiences over the past few weeks have molded me and straightened my path out.  I was spinning out of control before, but now, as I take "baby steps" into a closer relationship with Him, (giant leaps just aren't me, especially with this).  I have wanted to be a good Christian, but sometimes I looked at others who are deeply devoted and thought, "That's not me....that's not my personality....and if it means acting like THAT, then I don't want to do it"  What a terrible thought, I know.  We are all individuals, everyone has a different path that they follow.  Being a believer doesn't mean that you have to adopt a certain personality or act a certain way or preach loudly to everyone who pays you any attention.  God understands that we are all different.  He doesn't want me to give up my friends, or my music or anything that I hold close to my heart, but I do understand that He wants me to "get it together" and straighten up a bit.  

See, I wanted to be the one who molded my path and made my own decisions!  I was telling God what was going to happen....I was the one doing all the talking while praying.  I didn't take time to listen and that's the key.  I realize that now.  He had to FORCE me to listen by giving me those hard hangovers and those anxious thoughts and hurtful days.  I finally had gotten to the point where I threw up my hands and said, "Ok, You win....you're really there.....I'm all ears!"  I sobbed as I said it and you know what?  Things started to very slowly fall into place.  I felt comforted and felt as if I wasn't alone. I asked for every anxious thought and worry to be replaced by peace.  It's working so far.   I asked for one final thing...and that was strength to get me through this.  Strength to get me to stop drinking and stop the self destructive behavior and to "get it together" and live up to my potential in all that I do...in my job, in my marriage, in my housework, schoolwork, EVERYTHING. Well, the prayer is being answered so far. 

I am tickled to death that things are falling into place.  I have a wonderful new job I am starting tomorrow, a great house, a car, a great family, the chance to finish school and have a great job, and two beautiful girls who are the light of my life and a wonderful husband who has stuck with me through the tough times and who I love dearly for all the sacrifices he has made for me.  He has been my voice of reason in unsure times and I lean on him so heavily for alot of stuff....and maybe vice versa...I would only hope that he feels as if he can totally depend on me for support and happiness. 

I still have stuff I need to work on though, and I'm sure I always will.  I need to get in church every Sunday, if not for me, for the girls...they need a Christian upbringing so they will have God to lean on in the tough times like I have during my life.  My mom, despite my attempts at complaining my way out of it, always made sure I was in Sunday School and church and in youth groups as a teenager.  I thank her for that, because even though I resisted, it gave me a foundation for a relationship with Christ.  It gave me that knowlege that I do have a "rock" to lean on when there's nothing left to do and no hope left.  I want that for my kids.  I know they won't get that unless I get them in church every Sunday.  I want them to know that when you lose all hope and you feel as if there's nothing left to hold onto, that God is there and He will always listen to you and always be there even if YOU don't want to listen.  I want them to know that sometimes you have to "shut up" and listen to Him.